And this year was worse. Not only was it my oldest son’s first day of middle school, but I wasn’t going to be there. I had back surgery a couple of weeks ago (I’m going to be fine), and I am not yet supposed to do things as exciting as leaving the house for major emotional events. This was the first year I was going to miss. It sucked. For me. My son was totally cool about it and absolutely blase about my inner turmoil.

All day I waited. And I worried. And scenes of bullies in John Hughes movies kept scrolling through my head, and I just knew there was some barely pubescent little hellion who would be totally deserving of my wrath before the day was out. It didn’t matter how carefully we had picked his school as somewhere that would embrace and celebrate who my kid is, the awful scenes of bathroom swirlies and kids being bashed against lockers kept rolling. And by 3pm, I was mess.

Instead, that afternoon my kid burst into the house, all smiles and said, “I made a transgender friend today! She has other gay friends!” He was bouncing. My oldest son is gay, and the idea of having other gay kids in his classroom for the first time (there were no other out gay kids in his elementary school) was what made him really look forward to middle school.

My son went on to tell me that his new friend’s parents want her to be a boy and not a girl. “So I told her my parent’s will like her a lot.”

I leaned over and kissed his forehead and both of his cheeks. “I am sure we will, baby.”

“Mom!” he swatted my hands away. “Just stop.”

(I am going to stop here and take a moment. I don’t have a trans kid. My gay kid is about as gender conforming as you can get. I have no experience having a transgender or gender nonconforming child. But if you are a parent with transgender or genderqueer kid, it’s time to get with the program. Your kid needs you to love who they are, and not who you think they should be.)

I really wish I had been a fly on the wall at the school that day, but instead I just tried to get the story out of my son of how this conversation had transpired. I just couldn’t imagine some 11-year-old transgender girl announcing her gender identity to my kid out of the blue.

So from the details I can piece together from my 11-year-old (who thinks his mother is ridiculous) here’s what happened:

My son was lost and couldn’t find his next class, so he found someone who looked like they were lost too.

He walked up to this other student and said, “Hey guy, what’s up?”

The other student said, “I’m not a guy. I’m a girl.”

“Oh,” said my kid. “Hey girl, what’s up? Are you transgender?” The girl looked at him for a minute and then nodded. “That’s cool,” he continued. “I’m not transgender, but I’m gay.”

“That’s cool,” she said back. “I have some gay friends who go here too.” My son was very excited to hear this. It turns out they were both lost and looking for the same classroom.

Then they walked past the bathrooms, and the girl explained she needed to go, but wanted to go into the girls’ room because that was her real bathroom. My son said he would stand outside the door while she was inside and wait until she was done, and then they could find their class together.

After that was completed, they continued through the halls and she asked him how his parents felt about him being gay. He just shrugged. “It’s fine. We know a lot of gay people. A lot.” She told him about her parents, and things went from there.

They found their classroom, and afterwards promised they would find each other the next day.

And now I feel like my kid really is in some 80s movie, but the 2016 version. Because come on!? For real? I am 40 years old, and the idea of two lgbt kids just happening to randomly find each other both looking for the same class just seems too perfect a set up, too unreal. If I watched a movie or a TV show where a conversation like that happened, I would probably roll my eyes at the too-perfectness, the fakeness, of it all.

But it did happen, and it made my kid’s first day of middle school awesome.

So, maybe it is time to put emo-mom away for awhile, and just let his life happen. Because we are in a new age, a new world, a new reality. Will there be assholes and homophobes? Yes, always. But there will also be two LGBTQ kids who find each other randomly walking down the hall. And that is pretty fantastic.

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My friend, Jessica (she has given permission for her story and name to be shared), was brutally attacked on July 13th when she went out with a friend to a local bar called the Beaver Tap in Lenexa, KS. It is a spot that Jessica and her friend Kay (both CIS women) liked to go dance and listen to the DJ on Wednesday nights. It’s even a favorite hangout of locally based rapper Tech9. And before this night, nothing like this had ever happened.

Here are the events in Kay’s own words.

…hate crime at Beaver Tap in Lenexa. 2 girls go into a bar, 1 is dancing “too close” to a group of 4 people who aren’t okay with the fact that we’re gay.

So instead of kicking them out for starting a physical altercation the first time because they couldn’t see a “sucker punch” directly on camera, this is what happens. You allow a group of people back into a bar who are full of hate and you want to call the police?

Lol please call them. Here starts your lawsuit for allowing a hate crime to continue to happen. You knew they were calling us faggots. You knew a 6’4″ white dude grabbed her glasses and hit her face because she’s sticking up for who she is. You were the cause of him punching a woman in the face because you decided to refuse to de-escalate the situation when the verbal and physical altercation first started.

‪#‎HateBecauseWereGay‬ ‪#‎Victims‬ ‪#‎HateCrime‬

The video of Jessica showing off the effects of the attack can be seen here.

You can find more of the story as related by Jessica herself here. However here is a brief snippet of the how things began to quickly escalate. (Please note that a few facts not pertaining to the actual attacks are incorrect per Jessica- however the events are exactly as unfolded).

Jessica went to the bathroom to pull herself together, and Kay noticed the two men get up and also head toward the restrooms. She became alarmed when the two women also got up and went toward the restrooms.

When Jessica saw the women, they were going in as she was coming out. As Jessica came out, one of the girls threw her drink on her and attacked her. Jessica tried to yet again defend herself against their attack. Kay had now arrived and tried to break it up, but one of the female attackers held her down.

When the men came out of restrooms, the same male assailant grabbed the glasses off of Jessica’s face and broke them. He then proceeded to once again punch Jessica in the face, while one of the women held onto her by her hair.

This is someone I know and someone I think very highly of. A kind person with a big heart. Someone who has been an ally to me. Not that anyone deserves to be a victim of an assault because of their sexuality, gender, race, religion, etc.

Ending Hate Crimes Is Not an Agenda

This is reality. You can claim an “LGBT Agenda” all you like. But the real “agenda” is safety and happiness. Something not afforded to people like Jessica Culp because she happened to be dancing with another woman at the Beaver Tap. (Who has taken down their facebook page to avoid as much bad publicity as possible).

I ask you to read this. I ask you to support Jessica and all of those that are attacked for being who they are.

Even if you don’t “agree” with their “choice”, do you agree it’s okay for a 6’4 male to beat down a woman for no other reason than her “lifestyle”?

We have allowed this attitude to go unchecked. You think it’s stupid to be talking about gay rights, hate crime, and bathroom bills when there is so many more “important things” going on. I dare say those talks are pretty important to people like Jessica and the rest of the LGBT community.

The image of the LGBT world in recent campaigns has been that of white cisgender gay people in long term relationships, often with children. It’s a one dimensional idea that aims to show queer people as heteronormative and matching the moral virtues of conservative bigots. That kind of tactic does little to recognize the humanity of LGBT identities and it also leaves a lot of people behind.

Over one-quarter of homeless youths identify as LGBT, and many more live in poverty or face discrimination from employment, particularly if they are transgender. The lack of options due to the prejudices of society means that LGBT people are more likely to depend on sex work as a form of income, particularly trans people.

“It is simply hypocritical for LGBT activists to fight for bodily autonomy but deny it to sex workers.”

Arguments for the criminalization of the trade are quick to dismiss the basic fact that any laws against sex work would simply punish the most vulnerable further. It would not tackle the basic issues such as poverty and discrimination that LGBT people are at greater risk of experiencing. It certainly would not stop abuse and exploitation but would merely drive sex work underground and make it incredibly difficult for sex workers to access support if they were harmed during the course of their work.

LGBT people in poverty and with limited options in life aren’t going to give up their one form of income, they’ll just be in danger from being arrested, too.

In terms of ideology, the two movements are not so far apart. The heart of the demand for LGBT rights is the idea that all people should be granted autonomy over their lives and bodies, that anyone should be allowed to sleep with who they choose and that it only concerns the people in the relationship and not the government or bigots. The very same idea is at the core of the fight for sex workers. Why should they not be granted the same freedom? Why should they not be allowed to have sex with who they choose?

People enter into sexual relationships for all kinds of reasons. It is rarely a fairytale of two people falling in love. Sometimes it is for fun, but many engage in survival sex of some form, whether it be to keep a roof over their head or to not face crushing debt alone. Many have sex because it’s simply a way to shut their partner up. The list is endless and every reason is valid. The only issue is that the people having sex are consenting to it and anything else is an arbitrary moral judgement which no one has the right to make.

“If we want to be free then we must support the right of all consensual sex.”

Sex work and LGBT rights battles are about the liberation of our bodies. It is simply hypocritical for LGBT activists to fight for bodily autonomy but deny it to sex workers, and given the huge numbers of people within the community who engage in sex work it also throws a lot of LGBT people under the bus.

While prejudice remains over who people choose to have sex with then we have not obtained sexual freedom and it also wavers on the edge of perpetuating prejudice for LGBT lives and relationships. If we want to be free then we must support the right of all consensual sex. If we want to protect sex workers then we need to listen to them and work out what will be effective and keep them safe.

Sex work is as old as LGBT identities and it isn’t a form of trade that is going to stop any time soon. It’s as futile as the war on drugs so the choice is clear: either we put punitive ideologies first or people.

Source: Stephanie Farnsworth: Why LGBT and Sex Worker Rights Go Hand-In-Hand