I truly came out to most everyone in my life early last fall. Some people are still learning, but most everyone I see regularly knows, and have been around me presenting as a female. See, I’m not quite full-time yet. But I have come out at work and I am working on that as well.

Having a lot of close friends who have been enlightened as to my nature has brought a lot of questions. I think that’s to be expected that people I care about want to know the who, what, where, when, why, and how. I’ve never thought much about it either. I’ve told them that they can ask anything they want. However, I also tell them that if they ask something I’m not comfortable with- I will not get mad, I will simply explain why it’s not a question I am willing to answer. Except my girlfriend- she gets to ask whatever she wants and deserves an answer. Occasionally they ask something a little personal, but for the most part they respect me enough to keep it fairly basic. To their credit they also generally always gender me correctly and use the right name depending on how I am presenting at the time. Occasionally they slip up and will let out a her or him at the wrong time, or use the wrong name. But I don’t get bent out of shape about it.

However, I’ve come to realize that this is not the norm in the transgender community.

Since becoming a part of the community, online and offline, I have found that a fairly large swath of transgender people are adamant about proper gendering at all times. And many do not like questions.

I’ve been called a unicorn, because I seem to buck the norm in that sense. Those around me have told me how scared they were to mess up or ask a question and how much they appreciate my patience. And I think that’s at the core of why I say transitioning is selfish.

When you transition, you are doing something positive that is just for you. You are becoming who you are inside, and showing your true self. And that is a wonderful thing. And hopefully, on a less selfish note, you are giving those around you a happier and more balanced person to have in their life.

Transitioning Doesn’t Just Affect You

What I think is often forgotten though, is the impact that our transition has on their life. It can seem out of the blue to those we love- suddenly they are expected to forget and break the habit of referring to us as our birth name or the pronouns that go with it. They are supposed to just accept that you are different now, and not ever be uncomfortable trying to adjust, or look at us a little too long taking it all in, and never EVER mess up by misgendering.

Having someone transition that is close to them can be a jarring experience, especially the first time it happens. They may know about Caitlyn Jenner or LaVerne Cox- but aside from that, they may barely know the difference between a crossdresser, drag queen, transvestite, or transgender person. Let alone know that transexual or transgendered is incorrect.

We put so much pressure on them to never mess up and instantly accept us, we often dismiss the effect it has on their life. Sure, you want your mom to accept their “new child” without question. And sometimes they do. But consider that they may have to go through a “mourning” period to get used to the idea that their child, as they knew you, is gone- or at least changing. Their memories of you running around as your birth gender get confusing as they suddenly see you presenting differently to the child they raised.

Friends that might have called you bro or dude- suddenly feel tongue-tied, unsure of how to refer to you or what is okay to say. They wonder if they should still talk to you the same way they used to.

Most impactful though, is a spouse or partner. Unless they are already bi-sexual or pan-sexual, you are presenting confusion in their life as to their sexuality. They wonder if it makes them gay or straight to be with you. They wonder how transitioning will change the person they fell in love with. It’s a whirlwind. Not to mention the betrayal that many partners experience from feeling they were lied to and a huge secret was kept from them.

Yes, transitioning is stressful and full of growing pains for transgender people. However, as allies or potential allies, it is our responsibility to be patient with those we love. If they are trying and supportive, forgive the occasional misgender or use of a “dead name”. Sure, it can hurt us to hear it- but scolding an ally for an honest mistake can make them skittish and fearful of how to talk around you. Terrified they will mess up. Understand that when they say, “you look even better than I do.” or “You are better at makeup than me.” or “You totally pass.” They don’t mean it as malicious. They are trying to compliment us, and they don’t know better. We don’t have to just accept it, but we can guide them and help them grow.

If we are to win hearts and minds and build a place in society for us, we have to often be the bigger person. We have to educate those we love when they stumble and tell them why something was incorrect, or insensitive.

Transitioning IS selfish. We are doing it solely for ourselves. However, with understanding and patience it can be a positive selfish act. Believe me, it will make your transition easier when you can make those around you more comfortable. You don’t have to hide who you are, but you also don’t have the right to expect perfection and immediate acceptance from a world that is still waking up to us.

When abuse is your first memory, it colors who you are.

I was molested when I was a preschooler, and it has rippled through my life ever since. The “predator” was a 17-year-old kid who lived across the street. And knew my family well. It didn’t happen in a public restroom, or at a park, or in a store. It happened in my own yard. The pink crepe myrtle desperately tried to make this scene pretty, or at least a little less horrific, but it failed miserably.

Now I’m a Dad, and it is my priority to guard the innocence of my two toddlers. I remember the fear that simmered, just underneath the surface, when my son was the same age I was when it happened. I could never find the words to explain how I felt, but I still begged God to let him get through the year unscathed. I couldn’t imagine raising a son with the same terrifying experience as me.

Then one day, we were in the car together, when he pointed out the window and asked, “What kind of bird is that, Dad?” I slowed down to look. As I glanced at him through the rearview mirror, what I saw was pure innocence. He’d made it. I felt myself breathe deep with relief. All at once I also felt something more: determination. I wanted to give him a different life. I want to cultivate and protect his innocence.

But none of that is Target’s business. Or their problem.

Target released this statement last week:

We welcome transgender team members and guests to use the restroom or fitting room facility that corresponds with their gender identity. Everyone deserves to feel like they belong.

People have expressed insanely strong opinions over their decision.

Here are a few Tweets:

Used the bathroom at @Target today and the most disgusting thing happened. Two people walked out without washing. #gross #targetbathroom

— Katie Boyle (@katieaboyle) April 25, 2016

I was born a female, but I now identify as a consumer who will never give @Target another red cent. #targetbathroom

— Katie (@Katie4372) April 21, 2016

Watch out, guys! @Target is trying to kill your kids with tolerance and common sense. #targetbathroom https://t.co/OhFOxYZpgn

— Alex Lilly (@alex_lilly) April 20, 2016

#Target is promoting equality; so naturally all the LGBT- phobes are losing their minds.#bigot #targetbathroom pic.twitter.com/Cu2jI2Bwbg

— Euterpe (@EuterpePDX) April 20, 2016

Are all the people boycotting #Target also boycotting church camps, team locker rooms and high school restrooms?#JustAskin

— bESS (@bESSoNDAKO) April 25, 2016

It’s not the job of a big box store with more inclusive bathroom policies than some people prefer to police my children as they use the restroom. Target isn’t the FBI or the local police department. They are a public retail store, open to people from all walks of life, including some who identify with gender in complex ways.

As a victim of childhood sexual abuse, urinals have always freaked me out. So I will awkwardly wait for a stall to open up in a men’s restroom, even if there is clearly a urinal or two available for use. I like my privacy.

I prefer a wall on each side of me and a door behind me. I don’t like the possibility of someone seeing me over the little half wall at the urinal. But that doesn’t mean I fear someone is going to rape me in the damn bathroom. My personal preference does not mean I’m in danger just because strangers are in the next stall.

And another thing, I don’t send my kids into any public bathroom alone. Mostly that’s because I don’t want them making a huge mess or pulling off half a roll of toilet paper just for fun. But I am also fully aware we live in a screwed up world with some screwed up people who do prey on weaker ones. It’s not Target’s job to protect my children. That’s my job. And until my kids are probably 10-years-old, they won’t be going into a public restroom alone.

Abuse happens. It is scary and horrific and life changing, and we victims are all terrified it will happen to our children the way it happened to us. I get the fear of my friends and acquaintances, I really do. But we have to be honest about where abuse happens. It is so very very rarely a stranger in a public restroom. It is much more commonly a grandfather, an uncle, a neighbor, a pastor, or a coach. Someone who knows the family intimately and is trusted.

I have safeguards in place for my family, no matter where we go or what their policies are. Because it’s not a business’s job to protect my family. It’s mine.

I never signed a contract with Target stating that they will uphold my moral, ethical, spiritual, or political values. We’re not in that kind of relationship. For me personally, as long as they keep selling cute clothes for my kids and good trail mix, I don’t care what their bathroom policies are.

I am not boycotting Target. If you choose to, it just means I won’t have to wait as long in line. And maybe I won’t have to wait for a bathroom stall to come open. I don’t care what kind of equipment you have. You can use the stall next to mine.

Source

We asked some trans men who have been through the process of transitioning while in a relationship for the best kind of support they would or could have been offered, and other helpful things to consider in a similar situation. (Note: Things are different for every person, situation and relationship. This is from the perspectives of four trans-identified people who offer up their own experiences as personal advice.)

Rudy is 25, Middle Eastern and identifies as a straight male. He had a girlfriend during his social transition at 22 (so no surgery or hormone usage at the time). They are no longer together but are still friends.

Evan is 27 and from Los Angeles. He realized he was trans* at 18, but didn’t start transitioning until he was 22. He is now married to a cisgender woman and identifies as queer, using male pronouns.

Leo is 26 and has been transitioning over the last eight months. He has been in a relationship with the same woman for four years, and she has been “extremely supportive.”

Simon* is 32 and began medically transitioning two years ago, although he identified as genderqueer/on the trans spectrum for the last 10 years. He identifies as a trans man. He was in a three-year, long-distance relationship at the beginning of his transition.

Q. When you came out and were beginning the transition process, what was your partner’s reaction and how did it make you feel? Was there something you would have liked for them to do better/different?

Rudy:  Well, she was very supportive—I was actually extremely transphobic before I came out. Of course, that was me internally not accepting myself.

Evan: I realized I was trans* when I was 18 while I was at college in San Francisco. My girlfriend at the time was really supportive with me becoming comfortable discovery what being trans. We broke up for a reason that had nothing to do with being trans*.

I lived in a gray area of genderqueer for four years too scared to transition mostly out of fear of the unknown. During that time I was in a on-again/off-again relationship with a girl that started off as a long distance thing but after two years she moved in with me. We broke up for many reasons one was she was very controlling and had problems with my genderqueer “stuff” i.e my deodorant or the fact that I wear boxers and men’s clothes. After we broke up I hit what I call the Trans Walls, where I needed to face the fact that was was not living and if I didn’t transition I was going to kill myself.

I met my wife about a year into my transition. When we met my wife identified as straight, I know that I am very lucky. When it comes to being with a trans person support is the most important thing. Also being realistic. With a transition all your relationship go though a transition, and sometimes lovers become friends. I understand why a lesbian  would not want to date me. I’m fabulous, but I look very, very much like a man. On the other hand I get why most straight woman would not want to date me.

Leo: Coming out to my partner wasn’t difficult at all. I kind of had one of those “thought out loud” type of moment. We were laying in bed about to go to sleep when I was thinking about how to tell her and it just came out. She turned and looked at me and told me that she was fine with it. She loved me for who I was, not my gender or what I had in between my legs.

Honestly, if I could go back and repeat that moment, I wouldn’t change a thing. In an awkward kind of way, it was perfect.

Simon: I began the transition process about six weeks before I told my girlfriend at the time. There were several reasons for this. First, I wanted to make sure that starting hormones felt “right” to me before I told a lot of people, particularly those with a much stronger vested interest in my gender/identity, like my girlfriend and my family. I had been debating about starting hormones for so long that I wanted to make it easy on myself to stop them if I didn’t like what happened, or if taking them didn’t make me feel any better. I was also a little worried about her reaction because I had a friend in college whose girlfriend broke up with him because she did not want to date “a man” and was a “lesbian.” I figured that because we were apart, dealing with that kind of reaction long-distance would be harder than if I could tell her in person.

Because my girlfriend and I lived apart, it was easy for her not to know. There aren’t many huge changes in the first few months, so there wasn’t too much physiologically for me to discuss, and anything I did want to chat about, I talked to my trans friends about. When I did tell my girlfriend, it was the first time we had seen each other in person in about four months. I told her over lunch while visiting her on the east coast. She took it well and didn’t seem too concerned at first. But she also is very much an internal processor, so even if she had been troubled, I’m not sure how much of that would have come out at first. She identified as queer as well, and had a history of dating cis men, so I think to her, the change was not threatening in any way.

I learned after we broke up that she was much more upset about my waiting to tell her than she initially let on. I was happy with her reaction, I suppose. She is not particularly outwardly-emotive, so I wasn’t expecting a lot of enthusiasm. She told me she supported me and that was what I wanted to hear. Had I known how upset she was that I had waited, I would have been able to better explain why I felt the stakes were so high and why I decided to wait.