Q. What is the best way a person could support their transitioning partner? Is there anything specific that would be helpful?
Rudy: I think it’s important to respect pronouns and their chosen name. Above all sincere love and acceptance is the best kind of support.
Evan: Support and comfort are so important. Also, you can’t be afraid of communication, transitioning and an act of self-love. You can still be supportive but be honest if your partner is moving into a space that you are not comfortable with or not attracted to they should and need to be understanding.
Leo: The best way your significant other can support you is to be there, even when the going gets tough.
Simon: Hindsight is always 20/20. I wish she had told me more about her feelings at all during that time. When we broke up five months later, lots came out during that time that she held back from me. She probably wanted to keep it away from me because she felt like I might not be able to handle it or something, but I wish she had told me. Despite all the changes I was going through, I think transitioning actually made me happier and more stable, and I would have been able to understand and address her feelings.
I also wish that she had asked me more questions and had taken a more active role in my transition. We saw each other only one other time in person before we split, and it was about four and a half months after I started my transition. I hadn’t changed drastically in terms of appearance (no beard yet, more muscle but not a ton, voice had changed only slightly), but I don’t remember her expressing much interest in knowing how I was feeling, whether I was happy with it, etc. We just acted the same as we always had, which felt kind of strange, given that I was undergoing a shift. I guess I could have been better about communicating all of that to her, but I was wary about making the conversation always about me and my transition.
Coming out as trans is a strange thing, more so than coming out as LGBQ, in my opinion. When you come out as queer (I’ll use that as a shorthand for any LGBQ sexual orientation), you’re announcing some kind of a personal trait, a preference. Unless people who you haven’t yet told see you in the act of being queer, you aren’t usually having the coming out conversation daily (even hourly). However, when you’re trans, this eventually happens. Maybe not at first, because like I said, the changes are small. But at some point (especially for FTM trans folks, because of the global effects of taking testosterone), people notice that you’re different. You can’t really avoid having to tell people, especially if you change your name, pronouns, etc.
So, being aware of that, I really tried not to put myself into a trans bubble where talking about being trans and my transition became all we ever discussed. She had her own life happening—an exciting job, personal growth, etc. It didn’t feel right for me to always be directing the conversation toward myself, so when she didn’t ask, I often didn’t really bring it up. I wish I had just told her how I felt and vice versa. But, like I said, hindsight is 20/20.
Q. Some cis women believe that if their partner transitions to male, it is somewhat of an identity shift for them as well (say, if they identified as a lesbian). What would you say to those women who are having a tough time with that issue and what it means for them? Was this something you’ve had to deal with in your relationships?
Rudy: I think the worst part about society is all the labels we try to stamp on to one another. You can really identify however you want, I can identify as straight, but still sleep with men. I would tell these people that they are more than welcome to identify however they wanted. However identifying as lesbian can be a little unsupportive to their transmale partner as they now identify as male. There are so many sexual labels like bisexual, demisexual, pansexual, sexuality and gender are so extremely fluid.
Evan: They have a right to feel that way, and you need to be honest. You are starting to date a new person and treat it that way. You can still have love, but your relationship might move. And really, I miss my lesbian identity a lot. When you transition and when you start “passing,” it’s like you’re between two worlds. And it took so much time for me to come to terms with that.
Leo: In my case, my partner doesn’t label herself. I wouldn’t know how a cis woman who labels as lesbian would feel about being with a transgender [person]. I feel that if you love the person you’re with, transitioning from one gender to another shouldn’t matter. Again, that’s my opinion. I would suggest therapy as a couple to see if there can be an understanding between the two.
Simon: Transition is so different for everyone that does it for a lot of reasons (like age, where they live, their socioeconomic status, race, religion, etc.), it’s hard to pinpoint something that would be specific and universally helpful at the same time.
I guess the best thing I would say is to communicate! Ask your partner how they feel and take an interest in what’s going on. Don’t be afraid to tell your trans partner if they’re falling short on being a partner because they’re too focused on transition. There’s also the myth that being on testosterone turns you into some kind of a raging asshole. While testosterone may change some things about how your emotions manifest themselves, it does not make you an asshole. So if your partner is not being a good partner, don’t let them blame it on the transition. Hold them accountable for their actions.
